Steven Wright

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am."

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right."

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business."

"I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"

"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."

"It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet."

"My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before."

"Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'"

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person."

"When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."