Phyllis Diller

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

"My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto."

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."