Jerry Seinfeld

"Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

"Men want to make women happy."

"Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death."

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

"The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing."

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

"There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win."

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

"Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there."