Henny Youngman

"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."