Groucho Marx

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."