George Carlin

"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"Religion is just mind control."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent."