Ambrose Bierce

"We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect."

"Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow."

"Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."

"Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance."

"When you doubt, abstain."

"Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table."

"Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth."

"Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age."

"Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."

"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."

"Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third."

"Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money."

"Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others."

"Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."

"Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness."

"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent."

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."

"Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure."

"Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience."

"Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."

"Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

"Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world."

"Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure."

"Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

"Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."

"Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while."

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."

"Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic."

"Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue."

"Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success."

"Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient."

"Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond."

"Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows."

"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."

"The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up."

"To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."

"Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of."