Rodney Dangerfield

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it."

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."