Rita Rudner

"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"