Dave Barry

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

"I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War."

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."

"Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions."

"Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes."

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."

"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."

"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."

"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."

"Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship."

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."

"The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting."

"The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat."

"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter."

"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."

"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."