Andy Rooney

"All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

"Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads."

"If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it."

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly."

"The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men."

"The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment."

"The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread."